Dear What's That Bug.Com,
What the hell's this? It's in the house! It's on my knee! Look at those monster jaws! Is it safe to turn out the lights?
"That's a whipscorpion. They're also called vinagaroons because they release a vinegar-smelling weak acetic acid when threatened. They're nocturnal hunters and eat cockroaches. Those monster jaws you mentioned are actually modified legs known as pedipalps and your photographs document their two positions."